Entry #10: Unrequited

I will try to make this post as short as possible.

Earlier today I was going through some old yearbooks and old notes I have kept for some time.  This was grounds for disaster, considering how much personal drama I've repressed over the years.  Once I unfolded those pages it all came flooding back...

Look, we have all made mistakes in our lives and I am no exception.  It is incredibly obvious that I am not perfect, I have, believe it or not, done some shitty things that I am not proud of.  Not to mention any other various conflicts I have been a part of, where I was on the defensive standing up for myself when I knew I was right, or even just having to stay true to who I am.  When I refer to myself as a perfectionist, I mean everything but perfecting who I am.  I am who I am, and unfortunately there is not much I can do to change that.  Call it predisposition, call it fate, call it what you will.  I let my life happen as it will and unfortunately the "right" decisions were not always the foremost on my To-Do list.  

For instance, I remember my first feeling of true love.  You may think it silly, being that I was in middle school when it occurred, but I do not believe love to be beyond young people, no matter how intricate a concept it is made out to be.  That being said, it was new to me.  Everyone thought me a fool to fall for this person, but I could not stop myself.  The relationship was rocky from start to finish: lots of questionable situations, lack of communication here and there, jealousy, the whole gambit.  In retrospect, it hurt a lot to go through it, I am sure for both of us it was difficult and we both shared faults throughout, but sometimes that is just how life is.  I bet if we both reflected on it now, we would think of how it made us better people and that we learned to just cherish the good times that were had, even something as little as listening to Green Day together.

I do want to take a moment to apologize to anyone that I have hurt in the past.  If you are ashamed to know me, if you feel I have changed you for the worse, if you regret an experience we had or regret sharing anything with me, I am sorry.  I understand these are just words, but at this point what is there left to do?  All I can do is try to salvage what is left and move on.  I apologize, I make it sound like I travel around leaving behind destruction in my wake.  That is not who I am.  Unfortunately I am just focused more on the negative this time around.

For those of you who do not know me so well, it is now one of those times where I will slip into a reflective, somewhat depressed, state when not in the public eye and evaluate my priorities and most likely run myself through the ringer about all the wrongs I have committed thus far, especially if I have yet to right them, or even if they are beyond repair.  So henceforth, if you would like to contact me, I will  not be on Facebook until further notice, so my email, phone number, and in person are the only ways to contact me.  I feel it a necessary component to cut out the main source of social networking when trying to isolate oneself in an attempt to evaluate one's life and potential future decisions.  I need to break away from the solipsistic coma I can feel myself slowly slipping into and bring myself back to the here and now.  I also need to forego my feelings for the time being, in that I need to stop pondering the 'what-ifs' and wondering if anyone cares for me.  I need to learn HOW TO BE ALONE... at least for a little while so that I can be me.  A better me.

Vince

One for love. Love for all.